According to Proponentsists at the University of Special Astroreligious Studies in Sydney, Australia, the definitive location of Heaven has been discovered. Apparently, it lies along a path roughly perpendicular to our orbital plane from our sun through Crux, a southern constellation whose six stars are featured on various national flags such as those of Australia and New Zealand.
"As we know, the self-styled "one and only" God, Yahweh, claims Heaven as his permanent residence," lead researcherist Bradley Dunthinkin stated in the press conference yesterday afternoon. "If you'll recall, a God can only legally claim residency if he or she spends at least 75% of his or her "Earth time" in a given metaphorical location. Based on our Biblically based, unalterable, eternal truths, such as Yahweh preferring the smell of various cooking (i.e., roasting in sacrifice unto Him) meats, He undoubtedly also has preferences of where He spends his holidays. Being a God who originally manifested Himself in the warm climates of the Middle East, we can safely assume that He prefers to holiday in the warmer regions as well."
As such, we can now positively state that God divides his time between Crux and Cassiopaea, spending roughly nine months (September-May) in the former, and the remaining months in the latter.
Representative Chris Pitts (R-NJ), long known for his timely and relevant legislative efforts, has therefore introduced H.R. 1337, a Bill which would require all members of American sports teams to be more aware of Yahweh's exact location when thanking Him for taking an interest in their games by gratefully pointing down during the so-called "Crux Months," but up during His time in Cassiopaea (no disrespectful pun intended).
This Bill would of course affect all sports, but some would find their players completely changing their previous affectations. Known colloquially as the "Tebow Reverse," H.R. 1337 would require all professional preseason football participants to point up when they make a good play, later switching to down when the regular season starts. Baseball would have a similar mandate, although those athletes would typically point down only during the playoffs.
Hockey and basketball players would have it easiest, being allowed to point down in thanks during their entire regular seasons. Only the best teams would be permitted to point up, as a result of God's springtime (in the northern hemisphere) migration.
The Bill in its current form places no specific requirements on amateur, collegiate, or lower-level athletes, such as pee-wee teeballers. However, it is likely to be the first of a series of legislative initiatives which Rep. Pitts says will be "designed to get America's highest visibility athletes actually pointing in the right direction" when thanking God for His help with their latest layup, snapshot, interception, home run, or other activity which was so obviously the explicit will of God in retrospect.
Yahweh was unavailable for comment, as usual, but Congressman Pitts claimed that his local pastor was "quite certain" of God's approval, and apparently recommended the adoption of an "up for Winter, down for Summer" Olympic Games Amendment.
The Bill is expected to garner strong support in the House, but Senate democrats are likely to block it on procedural grounds. "Representative Pitts is a good man, and I've had the pleasure of working on a variety of issues," said an Senate source who preferred to remain anonymous. "But you know, but there's just no dealing with some people here in the Senate on issues which are clearly important to the American people. We might be able to get it done if we can figure a way to attach it to a payroll tax-cut extension."
White House spokesman Jay Carney called the Bill "an interesting idea" in principle, but said the Obama Administration hasn't "had a chance to look at its effect on job creation."
A prominent House staffer joked, "I'd be surprised... [here pausing for a few moments]... I would be astounded if this ever got an up or down vote on the Senate side. Har har."
We will be following the Bill's progress in the coming months, and we'll be sure to keep our readers updated.
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